Football trade rumors: Is Neymar moving to Chelsea?

To Chelsea, huh, Neymar? What a victory for the Premier League that would be! Unfortunately, there is a higher likelihood that Boris Johnson will recall his cell phone passcode before sundown, but it is our responsibility to report every piece of BIG rumour, no matter how unlikely or shamelessly made up in order to entice a septillion sucker with a delectable bit of clicky bait.

Unrelated to this, there are some fantastic rumours that Kylian Mbappé will give up football to pursue a career as a subeditor on the sports desk at the Guardian. Mbappé, 24, stated that he was eager for a fresh challenge, but whatever.

Riyad Mahrez of Manchester City is rumoured to be the latest 30-something to make enough Saudi riyal to fill a large jacuzzi, which is a far more realistic rumour. Al-Ahli is reportedly considering a £30 million deal for him. How should a bid be prepared? How do you vandalize a swimming pool, while we’re at it?

The 29-year-old Fabinho of Liverpool might also be moving on to the Saudi Pro League. Al-Ittihad is currently debating a £40 million bid. You can hear the twitching of football players’ calves across the nation as they attempt to live less painful lives.

The England Under-21 defender Levi Colwill, who has yet to commit to a long-term deal at Chelsea, is desired by both the world and her husband. Tottenham is the newest team to join the line, which has just snaked past the famous Carphone Warehouse location on the King’s Road.

Harry Kane will reportedly receive £400,000 each week from Spurs, or 800 monkeys, in exchange for agreeing to a new contract. Additionally, El Bilal Touré, a Malian forward for Alméria, is a favourite of Everton manager Sean Dyche.

Unai Emery, the politeest manager in football and the manager of Aston Villa, is quietly having a good window. He is currently contemplating moves for Moussa Diaby of Bayer Leverkusen, Brennan Johnson of Nottingham Forest, and Joao Cancelo of Atlético Madrid after already signing Pau Torres and Youri Tielemans Felix.

Caoimhin Kelleher, Liverpool’s number-two goalkeeper (that’s not scatological criticism; he’s really good), is attracting interest from Wolves; if he signs, José Sá may travel the 63 miles to Nottingham.

Willian of Fulham and Ibrahim Sangaré of the Ivory Coast are two other players who Forest is interested in. PSV Eindhoven, where Sangaré plays, needs 30 million reasons to trade one of their top players.

Last but not least, discussions on Besiktas x Rob Holding, Callum Hudson-Odoi x Crystal Palace, Fulham, or Forest, are happening on the old social media platforms.

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